augmenti | Super Junior; I'm Still Here.

I'm Still Here.
It's the fifth year anniversary of the death of Donghae's father, and everything has changed but himself.
→1,922 words. Kibum/Donghae; g.

note: Seems like I can't help myself from breaking hiatus, but I've missed these two terribly. By the way, the title is taken from Still here, a song by Vertical Horizon. This belongs in some alternate reality future genre, just so you know.

Donghae had always thought that trains were interesting. Watching the world slip by as though watching a never ending movie of people's lives, he can't help but smile to himself. Sometimes he feels like he knows the people he sees going about their daily lives much better than he knows the people in his own life.

He's been on many trains, from the bullet trains of Japan to the slower passenger trains of China. He's taken the train to the coast of Korea before and he's taken more subways than he cares to remember. There was something special about this train though. There was a young girl bouncing up and down and pointing excitedly out the window at a row of houses. He wanted to laugh but he let the sound get lodged in his throat so he wouldn't scare the elderly lady sleeping in the seat beside him.

This train is stuffy and old--he can hear the tracks clinking along with a noisy racket. There wasn't much leg room so his long legs are squished into an awkwardly upright angle. He has been ignoring how painful they've felt for the past hour but he can't get up and stretch. The elderly lady beside him has bags filled with purchases from the market and there's something that smells so awful that he could barely keep his stomach when she first sat down with her burdens. Across the way, there's a young boy holding onto his mother's sleeve and nodding off against her shoulder.

"Look Mama," the young girl in front of him chimed, her white teeth flashing excitedly and proudly showing two missing front teeth. "Moomoo's!" Donghae blinked and glanced out the window to see just what a "Moomoo" is, and this time he really does laugh. He stifled it with the back of his hand but the lady still noticed. She put her hand on her daughters head and gently nudged her into her seat.

"They're called Cows, darling."

"Nuh uh," the girl said, giving her mother a firm glare. "Daddy says they're called Moomoo's, and he's smarter than you!"

"Really?" The mother asked, putting a hand to her cheek.

Donghae felt a twinge somewhere in his gut of an old memory, and the happy light in his eyes faded a little. His father had been dead for five years now. Five years of being without a father and living life with all he had for him. Donghae was a singer, a songwriter, a successful musician. He still held the hearts of thousands of girls all over the world. Life had changed dramatically for everyone. In the past few years, war had broken out along the border and the people of South Korea lived in constant fear. The northern border was under constant attack, although they were winning the war.

It was a war that he was about to join. The draft had come up and it was about time he threw himself into the fury of law and fighting. He had to protect his friends, his family, his fans. He felt he had to protect the world, but he wasn't that strong of a person. So he was taking the train to the eastern sea, to find some advice from this horror he so wanted to avoid but knew he couldn't. The world as he knew it had ended. Idol's had lost their fame. Music was either falsely cheery or dreadfully sorrowful but he wasn't sure if it was a bad thing. Perhaps now it could grow back the heart it had lost when it became a marketing tool for money.

Donghae was jerked from his thoughts as the old train shuddered to a halt. He picked up his bag and carefully maneuvered out from the other side of the slumbering woman, stretching his legs and shaking sleep from them. The air outside of the train was cold and a slight drizzle of fog shifted over the thick air. He felt like he had stepped back in time for a brief moment, watching people shift slowly and timelessly towards the depot and the small fishing village beyond.

The train releasing steam broke the spell and jolted him back into his body. Hiding his fingers in the pockets of his coat, he headed towards the sea. Already he could smell it filling his nose and his mouth with the scent of salt and fish. Somehow, it reminded him of home. He reminds himself to pick up some fish jerky on the way back through the market, and allows his feet to carry him past the busy barterers and towards the edge of the water.

A gray sea greeted him, waves lapping up the shore with soft crashes of beautifully sculpted crests that would only be visible for a moment. He squatted down and touched his fingers to the chilled water. Like a soft caress, it shifted around his touch. He could remember finding starfish at this very place when he was a boy, with his father. He could remember the warm hand on the back of his neck and the booming laugh and cheerful praise every time he found something he thought was cool, even if it was just a rock.

Donghae didn't know he was crying until tears dripped down his skin and created ripples in the water below him, shifting the gray water. He'd always been one to keep his emotions open, but he had sworn to himself not to cry again until the world was put back together. Only then was he going to cry happy tears. But before he knew it, his shoulders were shaking and he had to bit down hard on his fist to keep sobs from shattering the early morning peace of the seaside. It didn't work, sobs coming out in half smothered, pathetic whimpers.

Five years he had been doing what his dad wanted of him, five years of being an idol star and in the media all alone without his father there to guide him. There were days when he'd still wake up and expect his dad to drag him out of bed, only to come to the awful realization later. Donghae didn't dwell on the past because it hurt and he avoided things that hurt. But sometimes he just wanted to be clapped on the shoulder by his father and be told "it's going to be okay, son."

Without that, there are days when he feels empty. He knows he's not the only person to have ever lost a father, and he knows that he's lucky because of all the people that are there to support him every day. He found a way not to cry when Heechul was shot in the leg and had to go through major surgery. He managed not to cry when Kangin came back with a haunted look in his eyes. He managed to hold himself together when Eeteuk was finally enlisted besides his health problems. When Yesung joined, no one was sure they'd see him again but he still reassured a crying Ryeowook that he would be fine.

He would smile, and pray, and so far it had all worked just fine. No one he loved had died yet, and he'd held it together so long. But a trip to a quiet seaside village, and everything had changed. He removed his fist and covered his eyes with his hands instead, just letting the sobs come out in a long train. He wasn't sure how long he squatted there, but eventually he found himself staring at a break of sun in the clouds with dry eyes and tears crusted on his cheeks. He rubbed at them and pinched his nose and gave one last sniffle before he got to his feet, knees creaking.

His phone went off like a cannon, and he flipped it open without asking who it was. "Hello?"

"Hyung, how are you?" A deep voice greeted him, and a smile creased into well used laugh-lines.

"Not too bad, I guess," his light brown eyes watched the sun streak across the sea and flush the water with a dash of blue. "How are you, Kibum-ah?"

Donghae could practically see the pearly white smile in his mind, dark eyes shining. "Never better. Where are you?"

"The sea," Donghae breathed into his phone, gaze catching on the endless horizon line.

"I knew it." The voice wasn't coming from the phone anymore, but clear as a sunny day. Donghae looked at his phone in surprise for a moment before arms circled his from behind, a chin propping itself up on his shoulder. "You come here every year," Kibum supplied Donghae's dropped jaw.

"Oh," Donghae flushed suddenly. "You weren't watching the whole time, were you?"

"Of course I was." But Donghae felt he didn't care, not with warm strong arms around his waist and hot breath ghosting his neck. Kibum's hair tickled his cheek. The two looked out into the sea together for a long moment, until Donghae turned and faced Kibum with a sunny smile on his lips.

Kibum raised a hand and pulled soft hair out of Donghae's eyes. Almost at the same time, Donghae wrapped his arms around Kibum's neck and tilted his chin towards his own. His eyes outshone the dark obsidian opposites, and then their mouths crashed together. Kibum's lips were warm against his--they made his body tingle as though shaken from a long sleep.

"You don't have to worry Hae," Kibum traced the lines of Donghae's tears down his cheeks. "I'm always around."

Donghae just held him tighter and buried his face in response, tucking away all the times Kibum hadn't been there for Super Junior--their family, but all the times he had been there for him alone.

"I love you," he said, his chest opening with a spill of emotions that he had never really been able to keep back. He pulled back just enough for Kibum to see his blinding smile. Kibum's eyes wavered back and forth was they focused, and then he crushed their lips together with a force that surprised Donghae.

Kibum didn't need to tell him that he loved him too. Not when all he needed to do was be there when it mattered the most. No matter how busy Kibum became, Donghae always knew that he was going to be around--even if he wasn't. They pulled apart from the embrace, each one's hand warm in the others. Kibum gave a slight chuckle and fixed Donghae's haphazard bangs again.

"Hyung, let's go get that fish jerky you like so much."

Today was the fifth anniversary of his fathers death. While the pain never stopped, never disappeared even with time, life did throw things at him that filled his life and helped him adapt to the pain, helped him move around it. He gave Kibum's hand a squeeze and swung their joined fingers back and forth, feeling a rush of glee when Kibum didn't let go of his hand even when they reached the edge of the town. He lifted Kibum's hand to his mouth and brushed his lips against his knuckles before he released.

"Race you to the vendor!" He laughed, taking off down the road. When he looked back, Kibum was still standing there, a little awe-struck. Donghae stuck out his tongue. "Last one there is a rotten egg!" And then he tore off squealing, with Kibum hot on his heels. His laughter filled the air as the clouds broke overhead, revealing a bright blue sky.

Super Junior; I'm Still Here.

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