http://mariandevotion.livejournal.com/ ([identity profile] mariandevotion.livejournal.com) wrote in [personal profile] augmenti 2010-08-08 07:22 am (UTC)

This is lovely. :) I really like your idea of dance as a form of communication between two dancers. Your prose is clean and you have a great flow.

it's not fair, he reasons, because she's always perfect where he's always awkward and it's just not right that it be this way. she's always there though, even when he makes mistakes, gently correcting him with nothing but a smile and a repeat of whatever he'd flopped up.

I love how you portray their relationship here, with Victoria taking on a mentor's role. But at the same time, I don't feel that there's necessarily a power imbalance in the relationship despite their age difference, because as you said, they both need to connect through dance in order to complement each other's flaws and needs. Victoria, as a foreigner who is still acclimatizing to South Korean language and customs, needs someone like Taemin who understands her and shares her interests. Who can tell how she feels or what she's thinking just by the way she's dancing. :)

There were a few minor typos I found:

they's spoken together on occasion, not with words really,
Should be "they've".

unless it's stuttering sentences in either ones language
Should be "one's".

I was also a little thrown by the change in point of view throughout the story. Although you're writing in 3rd person, you jump from describing Victoria's intimate thoughts in the first paragraph ("victoria is proud of how far taemin has come") to Taemin's in the third paragraph ("taemin likes to watch victoria dance") which made it hard for me to follow your narrative. It's especially prevalent in the paragraph that starts with "his favorite moments are still those when victoria teaches him dancing ..." because you jump from Taemin's thoughts to Victoria's and then back again.

Aside from that minor issue, this is a really delightful fic. Thank you for sharing it. :) I hope you write more shinee/f(x) fic soon.

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